«

»

Apr 22

O is for Obstreperous ostriches

Look at those furry necked bastards – hiding their teeny tiny craniums in the dirt…oh, ostriches don’t do that? Has someone told CNN? Oh, CNN don’t report that? Has someone told Godzilla?

There are certain people out there, certain writers, that like to scream and shout they know best whilst simultaneously jamming their heads firmly (alas, not up their backsides) in the sand. You’d think that doing both at the same time would result in a hard to hear murmur, and the guilty parties mouth’s filling with sand/dirt and forever shutting those pesky peckers up…but you’d be wrong.

Obstreperous ostriches have a knack of being able to breathe underearth, don’t ask me how, maybe they talk out of their arses so much they’ve also learnt how to breathe out of them?

“Shrug.”

.

“Did you just say shrug instead of actually shrugging?”

Chuck Wendig, Blackbirds

.

“Nods.”

These types aren’t necessarily naysayers, they aren’t trying to get you to give up your craft – not directly anyway. They’re simply so self involved and caught up in their own world that they truly believe everyone and everything is beneath them. This would be understandable, if not condonable, if they lived in a cave and never tried/did anything of consequence. But when the writer sat next to you does nothing but moan and whine about how every single writer on the planet is stupid, and terrible, and a waste of oxygen – you have to start what makes this ostrich so special that he is excluded from degradation. What makes you so special Mr/Mrs Fuzzy Bollocks?

How is it that you know everyone is doing it the wrong way but you aren’t sat on the right hand of Writer God himself? If you have all the answers then why are you still sat amongst the likes of us? The plebs, the losers, the wannabes?

No, no – stop that. Get your head above ground level and stop ignoring the questions. I want to know why we’re all wrong and you’re so right?

Oh shit, I forgot. This is the Internet…and I’m attempting a dialogue/debate. Wow – and I had the balls to call you stupid, Ostrich Boy.

The only real way to defeat the Ostrich People of Planet Idiot is to ignore them. I know that sounds incredibly hard, especially when King Feathers McFuckface is squawking in your face, telling you you’re wrong, screeching that all the experts are wrong, and the people that work in the industry don’t know squat, but if you try and argue with them you’ll just make them stronger. They’re like that baddy in that 80s TV show you used to watch. The more you fire at them the stronger they’ll get. In the cartoons the good guys would always figure out that if power made them stronger the only way to defeat them was to overload them with power (don’t question the nonsense, we’re talking 80s Saturday morning cartoons here).

Unfortunately this won’t work with the people of Ostrichonia – the more power you give them the stronger they get. And the more you argue with them the more adamant they get they’re going to win. Arguing with someone with their head stuck in the dirt isn’t as funny as it sounds. It might be if they literally stuck their head in the dirt, at least then they’d be arse in the air – a prime target for a kick in their other brain.

These people are arseholes of the highest order. You do NOT need to please them.

The only person you need to please is…

(in case you’re too dumb to work it out … means go to next post)

O

I wish I could fly…

5 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Helen Baggott

    Interesting – and that’s some pecker you have there.

  2. susan

    I prefer ducks
    thanks for coming back!

    When I retired I said “no more assholes” that includes the creatures you mentioned. But good point – how come they’re not on the NY Times best seller list – dare to ask?

    1. Steven Chapman

      Motherduckers!

      1. susan

        been trying to think of a witty retort with quacking – but haven’t gotten very far

  3. Julianne Snow (@CdnZmbiRytr)

    I ignore Ostrich people on a daily basis… But the imagery makes me think of a great story!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: