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Apr 09

H is for Hnnnngghh!

Sometimes…*hnng*…you…*squeeze*…have…*eee*…to…*fuckfuckfuck*…force…*pinch*…words…*eep*…out!

*plop*

Ahhhhhhhh – that’s better.

There are days when the words do not want to come out. At all.

But that’s no excuse not to try.

You might feel more bunged up than a fat man with a cheese fetish, but if you don’t try then you have zero chance of pooping words onto paper.

There is always a solution – like the author with writer’s block and constipation…he worked out the problem with a pencil – and the solution in your case is to WRITE! (You may be sensing a theme this month with answers to writing quandaries).

Not writing because the words aren’t coming out is like not eating because you’re too hungry. It’s a stupid solution. Yeah…you’re stupid. I said it!

Don’t worry – I’m stupid as well. I sat for hours umming and ahhing about this post.

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Oh noes! The words won’t come!

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*slaps hands against cheeks 80s movie style*

Then I realised. The words weren’t coming because I wasn’t writing. I know, I know, a monkey with a crayon jammed up his nose and pressing on his brain should have been able to figure that one out quicker than I did. At least I’m aware of my shortcomings.

So I sat down, fired up the old lappytoppy and began to type. It was bollocks of course, but I had something to play with (no, not my bollocks)…the words. On the page. Focus, people, focus.

Words. On the page. Now there are a few there, the rest come a little easier. And so on and so forth until you’re shooting sticky, messy jets of words like…erm…stuff from your…let’s put a cork in that simile for now.

It’s hard to stare at a blank page. Fear and doubt set in and you begin to precog all the ways you can and will fail. You need to stop with that crappy (he!) attitude. You know what’s worse than shitty words? No words.

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Writing is when we make the words.

-Editing is when we make the words not shitty.

Chuck Wendig – Terribleminds

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By forcing crap onto your page you have something malleable and workable…mush it with your hands and fling it like a monkey on boring zoo day. Scrape out the bad bits, and find the (dear god, I’m having a hard time not barfing) hidden nuggets of gold hidden within.

It’s a shitty job but someone’s got to do it.

Now drop trou’, squeeze real hard, and poop that novel .

…and don’t forget to wipe.

IMAG1211

I keep finding this stuff in my bathroom…the hell is it?!

11 comments

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  1. lizbpoetLiz Brownlee

    Very worrying. Very worrying indeed. I’m not sure this post was written on a laptop at all. Or maybe it was, in the loo. On loo paper. Cheese eh? Well, don’t eat it. I don’t know why you keep referring to yourself in the third person. And you’re not fat, we saw that already.

    1. Steven Chapman

      The laptop was keeping my lap and my cheese warm…I have a breezy bathroom, but maybe that’s the cheese’s fault.

  2. Patricia Lynne (@plynne_writes)

    And don’t forget to wash your hands, eh?

    ~Patricia Lynne~
    Story Dam
    Patricia Lynne, YA Author

    1. Steven Chapman

      Don’t have to, I licked them clean.

  3. Julianne Snow (@CdnZmbiRytr)

    LMAO!

  4. Kyra Lennon

    Hahaha, another excellent post! I tend to find trying to force myself to write words when I have none is more stressful than anything. I have to step back, clear my head, and try again later!

  5. Luke Walker (@lukewalkerbooks)

    I get a distinctly toilety impression from this post. Could just be me, though.

    1. Steven Chapman

      It’s the brightest, whitest room for photos…until curry night.

  6. susan

    I think I’m constipated and having a hard time de-shitting the words I have plopped out

  7. theocdsquirrel

    I have a cheese fetish as much as the fat man does. I like the blue cheese

    1. Steven Chapman

      An eating cheese fetish, or a squishing it between your toes fetish? Because I definitely don’t have the second one…definitely.

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