Jul 15

Give yourself to the dark side

I’ve killed three people today.

The first was blocking the footpath by wildly gesturing his arms, and wouldn’t bloody let people past. He was too busy shouting into his mobile to realise there was a queue of people forming behind him trying to make the most of their lunch hour. He was also one of those idiots that uses hands-free on their phones, but holds the mobile in one hand and pokes the earpiece into their ear with the other…that’s one more hand than it takes to use a phone without a hands-free kit!

So I pushed him in front of a bus and the front tyre squashed his head like a ripe watermelon.

The second was a chavvy woman telling her toddlers to “shut the fuck up bitching about stuff you’re not fucking getting!”

I shoved her from behind and the shock made her swallow the cancer stick she had been puffing away on only seconds before. She choked to death slowly, then I took her children down to social services.

The third person I killed today was a pimply teen who couldn’t be bothered with this fancy new queuing system that everyone else seemed to be wasting their time with. He barged in front of the old lady we had let get on the bus first and threw his money at the driver.

I followed him upstairs, waited patiently until the bus was up to speed, then threw him out of the window. He landed face first on the pavement and broke his neck.

I didn’t feel one smidgen of guilt about killing any of those people, and truth be told, I’ll probably kill a few more tomorrow. In fact…I can guarantee it.

Ok, so you’ve probably guessed I didn’t literally kill these people, although I’m sure there are at least two or three of you out there who know me that aren’t 100% sure if I did or didn’t.

To put your minds at rest, no I didn’t actually kill anyone.

I just murdered them with my mind.

We all have a dark side. I’m sure some people will say they don’t, and a small percentage of those people might actually believe it as well. But when it comes down to it, we all have that impulse to kill buried somewhere deep in our brains.

You don’t have to feel guilty about taking a cheese grater to someone’s face when it’s only a bit of tension relief…oh and imaginary, it also has to be imaginary! We both know you won’t really do it, that it’s just a release from the stresses and strains of everyday life.

So if you’re going to have such dark impulses you may as well put them to good use.

You don’t have to go all Dark Avenger on me and stock up on plastic sheets and blood slides.

Instead pour your evil juices into your work.

Embrace your urges and let them play out in your prose rather than your personal life. Not only will it make you feel a hell of lot better to get these horrible thoughts out of your already crowded brain, but it will make your writing all the more believable. Not all antagonists are psychopaths born from bad parenting and a penchant for cross-dressing. Sometimes people just do bad things because they want to.

People aren’t nice, your twisted mind alone is proof of that.

And don’t forget that dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) don’t always have to be done for the glory of Satan, sometimes an evil act can make the world a better place.

Just look at all the decent things Dexter does, darlings!

Your main character could beat seven bells of shit out of an abusive parent because he knows the police can’t do a damn thing about it and the three weeks the parent spends in hospital will be a nice respite for the child.

Or maybe they could steal their brother’s wallet and empty his bank accounts because they know it’s the only way to stop him buying drugs.

The world is a murky place full of shades of…ugh I hate to say it…shades of grey. There is rarely a situation that is simply black and white.

You can have a dark side and be a decent human being at the same time.

Just make sure if you are going to take a blowtorch to the soles of someone’s feet then you’re doing it on paper, not in your basement.

FOR SATAN OF COURSE!

6 comments

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  1. Very well written Mr. Chapman…

    1. Why thank you, old chap! 😀

  2. Hehehehe, i did an evil piggy snort.

    1. I try and do at least one evil piggy snort each day 🙂

  3. Fffinally found you by following the link on TB = my email put ypou in the dangerous bin,
    perhaps that’s just as wee=ll if you’re a triple murnerer.

    1. Maybe I do belong in the dangerous bin…hmm

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