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Apr 06

D is for ‘Doohickeys and thingamabobs’

…and also for douchecanoe

I see far too many conversations or forum threads dedicated to the most inane writing topics:

“I need a realistic hobby for my time-travelling French resistance fighter!”

“I can’t possibly write without knowing which piece of writing software is the best of the best of the best…”

“What shall I call the race of characters on the other side of the planet that never actually appear in my book?”

“I’m about to start my novel, but am unsure what font to use?”

(ANSWERS: making tiny hats for lobsters, your hands, Jeffity Jeffers, Comic Sans.)

…the kind of things that don’t matter in the slightest. Sure they may seem important when you’re asking, but I can’t help shaking the feeling you’re just stalling. Get on with it already! I know you want to spend six months creating a 3D contoured map for your fantasy novel, but won’t a quick sketch on the back of a fag packet suffice? Sure, an invented language seems like a good idea at the time, but holy crap dude, that’s gonna eat away at your life like necrotizing fasciitis! And yes, I suppose writing software can be useful, but holy crap donkeys on radioactive scooters from Pluto, guys! Just feckin’ pick one and get on with it!

The only thing that really matters is bum in seat, hands on keyboard, write.

There seems to be an ever-growing trend on forums and the such of douchecanoes spending most of their time bragging about formatting hoojamaflips, shiny new fandangled software, word counting deelyboppers…STOP! HAMMER TIME! WRITING TIME!

And the details…oh, sweet zombie Jebus, the details! The devil is so deep in the details his balls are inside the detail’s swimming suit area. I get it, you want to create a fully developed character, or a realistic setting, but Jesus Christ bananas, it doesn’t bloody matter! There’s no such thing as ‘realistic’ in general terms, only what makes sense in your novel. And it’s up to you to write that in a convincing way. If you have to grasp and grope like a sixteen-year old trying to undo a bra, you’re trying to damn hard and it’s going to show in your writing.

Relax, think about what you’re doing, take a breath, then unhook that bad boy and fondle the fictional breasts of storydom!

Pen, paper, pint, good book - the essentials

Pen, paper, pint, good book – the essentials

4 comments

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  1. subhmohanty

    I need a comfortable seat for the bum, recliner or something more firm, hard ? Is it better to write during dawn – or may be twilight ? Do you have any suggestions on the best new age music to play in the background while I am at it ?

    Spot on, or as you say “unhook that bad boy and fondle the fictional breasts of storydom!” Hilarious but true !

    Would request you to stop by my blog and share your thoughts if you have time..

    @Subhmohanty from
    And Life Unfolds…

    A*Alone B*Butterfly C*Curry D*Dance E*Edge

    1. Steven Chapman

      Something firm, but with a soft cushion; both; Tangerine Dream.

      1. subhmohanty

        Suggestions noted. Haven’t heard tangerine dream before, just hearing them now for the first time and must say I am liking it..

  2. Jessica Triana

    I love the word douche, it’s an insult that’s also a term of endearment and I can relate to all those douchecanoes out there who avoid the nuts and bolts of writing because they’re stuck on the minutia.

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