Apr 01

A is for ‘…and another thing!’

…and also for ‘arseholes’.

I figured since I Meldrew (yes, Meldrew is a perfectly acceptable verb in this case!) on a daily basis (read: hourly basis) I could at the very least put this ranty energy to some sort of productive use. Therefore this year’s A- Z Challenge will mostly be angry old man rants, reminiscing about better times in writing, reading, and authordom; bitterly complaining about the youth of today, that pesky ‘in crowd’; and babbling incoherently about you kids and your damn floojamawigits and donkamawobbles *shakes fist at the sky* GET OFF MY LAWN!

This month will also be sponsored by a big fucking bastard pile of swearsies, so if you’re easily offended then away with you! However, if you don’t take offence at the arbitrary arrangement of random letters strung together in a form that someone somewhere a long time ago decided to render ‘indecent’, then you may wish to stick around to see if there is any wisdom behind the rude words and Meldrew style rants that will be spewing forth from my lips and fingers over the next thirty days.

<SPOILER>There will be NO wisdom. Sorry. Not sorry. </SPOILER>

I’m already fuming over the fact there are arseholes out there that will refuse to read posts such as this one simply because they contain a couple of F-bombs and the once in a blue moon C-word…the C-word is cunt by the way. If that made you whimper and tremble, then leave now and forever hold your peace, mainly because if mere words can make you gasp in disgust then you probably won’t want to play audience to the inane ramblings of a bitter old man (at heart) cursing everyone and everything for all manner of nonsensical reasons.

Of course I’ll keep the theme related to writing, I am a writer after all.

So with that in mind I’ll redirect my rage to the current Clean Reader fracas (which seems to have resolved itself by the time little old me jumps on the bandwagon, but…) which aims to censor naughty no no words from books and replace them with ‘clean’ words, obviously to prevent kiddywinkles and frail hearts from turning to a life of crime or popping their clogs because the word ‘fuck’ appears before them.

I understand their reasoning, if an adult wants to shelter their child from the ‘bad speak’, or if someone simply prefers to avoid curse words and wants to pretend they don’t exist…whatever. Each to their own even if I don’t understand it for a second. But what I don’t understand is the fact that people endorsing this app seem to miss the fact it will protect them from *fudge* all.

Jeff plunged the knife deep into Frank’s eye socket, and as blood and puss and intraocular fluid dribbled down the dying man’s face Jeff let out a wicked cry of “Die, you *fudging* *motherhubbard*, I’ll *make love* to your *witch* of a wife, and peel your children’s skin from their bones!”

Phew, at least I didn’t have to read the word ‘fuck’ in that last paragraph!

Let me get one thing straight. An author means every word.

Every single bastard word!

We don’t stick in expletives to bump up word counts or to impress our peers. We don’t make colourful characters speak with even more colourful language because we have some quota to fill, or we’re playing ‘Fucksticks Bingo’. We place each word with delicate care and attention – swearsies included!

If you want to believe that a soldier fighting in war would shout ‘Cheeseburger!!!’ as he plunged a bayonet into his enemy’s heart, then perhaps you shouldn’t be reading that type of book in the first place.

Go dig out ‘Spot Goes to the Circus’, and see if that cheeky pup manages to find his way there.

 

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Later, mofos!

 

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16 comments

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  1. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Ha, no I agree with your point. Swearing is part of everyday life and although it may offend some it does help to make the dialogue more realistic. I think there was two versions of the final Harry Potter book, one of which contained a swear word and a copy without.

    1. I kiss EVERYONE’S mothers with this mouth 😀

  2. I used to swear a lot in my youth but now find it quite an intimidating way of speaking and prefer not to. Interestingly, I have been concerned about one of my stories where the language is a little strong in places. I’ve had several Oscar Wilde moments of taking the language out and then putting it back in again….as you do… worried about offending potential editors/agents but really finding that something about the characters emotion is lost.

    So I completely agree! There is a place for all language, and it’s judgement not the language itself that is the issue! 🙂

    1. Embrace your inner child, swear at a pensioner!

  3. Sir, you intrigue me! I look forward to your month of old man rants!

    Giggling Fattie from
    @noluvforfatties
    No Love For Fatties

    1. Bloody marvellous! 😀

  4. I agree! If you don’t want to read swears or those types of things, then read a different book! It probably won’t be the book for you if you are offended easily. Good luck on the challenge this month!

  5. My father’s a sailor. I learned how to swear at a young age (and didn’t my kindergarten teacher love that!), so you shall not offend me.

    And I constantly yell at my neighbors to get off my lawn (and don’t they love that!)

    Looking forward to your month of rants.

  6. I have grandchildren – my language has had to ne moderated since I returned to these shores! Good luck with the A-Z. Lizy

  7. Well, if it is that sort of book with that sort of person and that sort of content, then it needs those sorts of words. I myself, being a lady, only ever swear with the words ‘oh, my giddy aunt’ because I am so refined and pure. As you know. Have a lovely rangy time, Steven. ~Liz http://www.lizbownleepoet.com

  8. That should be RANTY. Ranty time *begins rant about autocorrect*

  9. Love it! You are right, I don’t often use expletives but when I do, they are there for a reason. I’d be pretty hacked off if someone changed it.

  10. This old lady enjoyed your rant! Thank you for saying what is on so many of our minds. I’m going to check my “C” post because I’m pretty sure there should be an F bomb in there and I can’t remember if there is. It’s funny to me how much harder it seems to be to type the words than to say them. Then again I have trouble typing contractions, so that might just be me. Have a fabulous month of rants, I hope to get back by again.
    @ScarlettBraden from
    Frankly Scarlett

    • subhmohanty on April 4, 2016 at 10:33
    • Reply

    Ahem. Well . You didnt offend me so far, and must admit your blog is an work of art. Love your wit. And rants. Waiting for more. Will be obliged if you pay a visit to mine and checkout my work. OMFG, that sounded so polite !

    @Subhmohanty from
    And Life Unfolds…
    A to Z Challenge 2016
    A*Alone
    B*Butterfly
    C*Curry

    1. Thanks, Subhendu! I’ll bob over to your blog this evening and have a look 🙂

        • subhmohanty on April 4, 2016 at 17:05
        • Reply

        Thanks Steven, would wait for your feedback !

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